Sunday, October 14, 2012

Cancer Got Me Down, But Not Out.

I know, I know, I have been away for quite a while!  I was so dedicated to this blog and writing about design, one of the loves of my life, but some things have changed.  My last post on here was April 20th about all the wonderful mushrooms we collected for spring.  Exactly one week after that post I went to the doctor to check out this dumb pulled hamstring in my right thigh.  I had been letting my toddler stand on my foot while I walked him up the stairs (he thinks that is soooo fun!) only it wasn't a pulled hamstring.  Turns out I had a malignant tumor the size of a softball tucked into my right hamstring muscle.  It's very surreal to be diagnosed with cancer.  Stage IV liposarcoma with metasasis to the bone to be specific.  Pretty serious stuff and I'm sorry, but I just couldn't bring myself to even look at this blog, let alone write on it.  I see a lot of people blog their journey and share the experience, but let me tell you right off...that ain't me.  I tend to handle things inwardly, quietly.  I didn't want this to turn into a blog about cancer.  It's a part of my life now so, of course, I will talk about it sometimes, but it's not who I am.  I've been mourning myself for months and...I just want to talk about design again!  I don't want cancer to cast a shadow over what I love.  It has reared its ugly head and done enough.  I have learned a thing or two over these past few months though that I really feel I should share.  Then I'll get back to design!  These are five things I found out along the way...
1.  You learn to cry.  And in front of anyone anywhere.
2.  You start to see the humanity in people.  People will literally come out of the woodwork to help and it's really an amazing thing to know you have that much support.
3.  You learn your body/life no longer belongs to you and it probably never did.  This is beyond my control.
4.You learn how much you love yourself, your family, and your life.  No one wants to lose that.
5.  You learn you have a kinship with others who suffer.  No matter what age.  I may have not been able to see those people before, but now we share something scary.  Everyone has their brave face on, we can see it on each other.

Well, I just wanted to give you an update as to where I've been.  Now...on to design stuff very soon!  I'm over this cancer.

xoxo - Jess

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